[Random Humour] Redneck Jokes

[molukai]

Feel free to add to this thread with random jokes you know!

How to Find Out If a Redneck Owns The Computer In Front Of You:
- The keyboard is camoflauged
- There is a gunrack on top of the motherboard
- There is a gunrack on each side of the monitor
- All the ram slots are being used by what looks like truck parts
- The wallpaper shows a big American Flag
- The numeric keypad only goes up to 3
- There is an instruction picture diagram hanging overhead in case the user "plum forgot" how to use the thingamajigger
- On that picture diagram, the mouse is called the "critter"
- The access password is "huntin", or "fishin", or "america"
- The autodirect on the I.E. web browser startup goes to the NRA's website

[lanta]

lol - lots of gunracks on trucks here in GA

[lanta]

oh and I almost forgot - they have to have a sticker of Calvin pissing on something

[molukai]

Speaking of pissing....

An 80-year-old Redneck was talking to his physician about his health. "Oh I'm doing quite well, and I thank God for that". The physician, deciding to humor the old man, asked in what way did he think God was helping him. "Oh, lots of ways", the old man replied. "For example, whenever I go to pee in the middle of the night, I can't see very well you see. But as soon as I open the door God turns on the lights for me, and when I leave, he turns them off!" Bewildered, the physician called the old man's wife later that day and asked her if he was mentally fine. "Well you see, your husband has been talking to me about God helping him by turning on and off lights in the middle of the night when he goes to urinate..." All of a sudden the physician hears the phone on the other end drop, and a few moment's later hears a shrill scream from what seemed to be a few steps away from the phone receiver. "OH MY GOD, GEORGE, YOU PEED IN THE REFRIGERATOR AGAIN!!!"

[molukai]

A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

[molukai]

A young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

[molukai]

A Texan was having a drink at a bar with an old friend when he noticed an attractive and chesty young lady seated at the bar eating a hamburger.

As he held eye contact with her, she swallowed a bite and it must have gone down the wrong pipe for she began choking.


She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

The Texan said to his friend, "That there gal is having a bad time!"

The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"

"You bet," and with that he ran over and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He asked, "Can you speak?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the rear.

So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

Grinning at his friend, the Texan said, "Funny how that Hind Lick maneuver always works."

[molukai]

A guy walks into a random Texas bar and asks, "Has anyone got a spare buck?" Another guy resplies, "Sure but I'd have to go back to my ranch to get it."

[molukai]

Jane Doe:

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

[molukai]

Taken directly from the R.A.T. (Redneck Aptitude Test)

Question: Why don't blind people skydive?
Correct Answer: It scares the nuts out of the dog.

[molukai]

A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

[molukai]

A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.

[molukai]

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without YOU, we are but dust ..."

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

[molukai]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon in Alabama. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[molukai]

In a recent letter to a Statesman from a disgruntled Redneck Farmer:

ON THE SUBJECT OF COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

ON THE SUBJECT OF THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

ON THE SUBJECT OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!